Random thoughts

It's funny the thoughts you have once you are pregnant after having dealt with infertility. I know that I am lucky in that it didn't take me YEARS to get pregnant, only a YEAR. However, I still feel infertile. I still wonder about the future, and how hard it will be to get pregnant when we want to expand our family. Not a day has gone by where I don't think about infertility, if even for a moment. I honestly never thought we would get to this point. I had such feelings of doom during that whole ordeal, that maybe I just wasn't meant to be pregnant. It was terrifying, because it's something I have always wanted, and something I feel, as a woman, should be so easy and so natural. I would feel hopeful when starting a new fertility medicine, but then I would feel such doom during the "two week wait." I even felt doom during the two week wait leading up to those two pretty pink lines.

I wish I could relive the morning I found out I was pregnant over and over again. It was a feeling of accomplishment, joy, relief, fear, disbelief, and complete and utter happiness all wrapped into one moment. When I sit and think about it and try to remember how I felt, I can almost feel those same feelings happening all at once again. It was the single most satisfying moment of my life. I couldn't believe that I was pregnant... ME, pregnant. I wish I could put feelings into words, and while I don't want to discount any pregnancy, I feel that women who have dealt with infertility feel a greater joy when they finally see those two pink lines. It was truly surreal.

Why am I writing this post? I don't know. I read a few blogs of girls who are still battling infertility. I have this fear that there are girls reading my blog, thinking that I feel different now, or that I think I am not infertile anymore. But that simply isn't true. To this day I get ridiculously jealous when someone else announces they are pregnant. I am envious, and instead of thinking thoughts of happiness for them, I think "they don't know how lucky they are, to have gotten pregnant right away, with such ease. They don't deserve it." It's a terrible thing.

My heart breaks for every girl who has gone through or is going through infertility. Being pregnant is truly an amazing gift, but those same feelings of despair I felt are still here. My advice to you girls: get through this time as best you can. Ignore the people who say to be happy or be thankful about the things you have (because we already are thankful) and just allow yourself to grieve and to be upset. I found it to be more stressful to put on a front than it was to just let loose and cry. The fact is, we are infertile, there is nothing anyone can do to make us feel better (unless they want to dish out thousands of $$ for IVF, haha)... and we won't be happy until we see our baby's face for the first time. All I can say is stay strong!

That is the end of my rant.

Ultrasound pictures

This baby is funny already. Sucking it's thumb, waving, and he/she even had the hiccups! If you look close in the profile shot, you can see that he/she has Jimmy's chin! lol!

Happy graduation to me!

I FINALLY got a dining room set! I am so excited! My parents bought be the table and Jimmy bought me the leather chairs. Mom is going to make some cute slip covers for the chairs. I think I am going to go with a peach color. Now all I need is a china cabinet. It will be tough finding one in the same shiny black!

Love it! Seating for 6 now!

2 weeks until graduation, and a great surprise!

I graduate in (less than) two weeks - May 3rd. I am SO excited! I am currently in my LAST CLASS, called Role Transformation... there is no lecture, just 90 hours of clinical. We do seven 12 hour shifts, including one overnight (7pm to 7am). We are done with 3 shifts so far... so only 4 more to go. We had our night shift last night and I was scheduled to work in the ER, and I actually got to take care of a girl who was going through the same thing I just went through 3 weeks ago. I got to go with her to watch her ultrasound, and almost started crying when we saw the baby's heart beating away. I decided I can't go watch ultrasounds anymore, except my own, lol. The "great surprise" is - I was telling the ultrasound tech how I was there, at that same hospital, 3 weeks ago for the same issues. She was asking me questions, and then she said "after we take the patient back to her room, we can come back and I'll scan you!" I was SOO excited! I grabbed my nursing school buddy who was in the ER with me that day for clinical, and had her come with so she could see. The baby is a little over 3 inches long now and was moving all over the place, and would curl up and then stretch out real fast, kicking my uterus. My friend was like "Oh my gosh! Can you feel that?!?" and I said "No!". The cutest thing was that the baby started to suck its thumb! And the BEST PART - the tech said she did not see a hematoma, so it must be gone! Yay!! I didn't get a picture to take home because they don't have that printing ability, but I get my official ultrasound tomorrow at 10:00 so I will have some adorable pictures to post.

I love being pregnant! It's so neat!

11 week survey

Getting a little belly!

How far along? 11 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Up 2 lbs. from pre-pregnancy (i.e., gained backed the 3 lbs I lost, plus 2lbs, lol)
Maternity clothes? Wearing maternity jeans just because I can and they are comfy :o)
Sleep: Some nights great, some nights bad
Best moment this week: Finding baby's heartbeat with my doppler :o)
Movement: Sometimes at night I can feel bubbles
Food cravings: Anything and everything. I know this is cliche, but I love pickles!
Gender: Don't know yet! We are thinking it's a girl (both me and Jimmy) but everyone else says boy
Labor Signs: No way!
Belly Button in or out? Still in obviously, lol
What I miss: Drinking obscene amounts of Mountain Dew (I must admit, I have had a couple in the past few weeks!)
What I am looking forward to: Our next ultrasound a week from Wednesday!
Weekly Wisdom: "You could jump up and down the whole pregnancy, or do bed rest the whole pregnancy, and it won't affect the outcome" - said by my doctor to reassure me that bed rest won't decrease my chances of miscarriage
Milestones: Being SO CLOSE to the end of my first trimester

Baby's Heartbeat!

As I promised my mother-in-law, once we found the baby's heartbeat with our at home doppler I would post an audio clip. I was quite amazed to find it at 11 weeks 3 days, but I won't complain! The recording capabilities of this doppler are crappy, but you can still hear it... it's just accompanied by lots of static. I counted the heart rate to be in the 160s, which is perfect!

Enjoy!

Wood Floors and More

Well, we didn't get the entire job done this weekend, but all of the wood floor is done up stairs, we just have to install the white trim and do the stairs, both of which will be no problem to finish next weekend. By dad and Jimmy are both champs. They worked SO hard. They had some help from my sister and my brother, but it was mainly my dad and Jimmy. Jimmy is so sore, and my poor dad, who is also sore, will be away on business this whole week. I will have to think of something special to do for him. I already gave him a foot massage, and I fed him every meal this weekend, but I feel I need to thank him some how.

Anyway, I posted a few pictures of the wood floors. I will post more when they are completely finished.








I am sure I did WAY too much this weekend, but between my high amount of energy and Jimmy's glares of disapproval for just laying around, I decided to do some light stuff, which turned into constant cleaning and organizing, not to mention trips to get food, trips to the hardware store, etc. etc. I feel perfectly fine though, so I am hoping I didn't hurt the baby. I vow to take it easy from here on out, or until I get a clean bill of health from my doctor.

Speaking of my doctor, I have a follow-up appointment tomorrow at 4:00. It isn't with MY doctor, because she was booked for 3 solid weeks, but it is with her partner. I am hoping he does an ultrasound to check and see if the hematoma is gone, and just so I can admire our baby again :o) My mom is coming with me and will be beside herself with joy if she can see the ultrasound.

Anyway, that is about all for my weekend. Hope everyone is doing well!