It's funny the thoughts you have once you are pregnant after having dealt with infertility. I know that I am lucky in that it didn't take me YEARS to get pregnant, only a YEAR. However, I still feel infertile. I still wonder about the future, and how hard it will be to get pregnant when we want to expand our family. Not a day has gone by where I don't think about infertility, if even for a moment. I honestly never thought we would get to this point. I had such feelings of doom during that whole ordeal, that maybe I just wasn't meant to be pregnant. It was terrifying, because it's something I have always wanted, and something I feel, as a woman, should be so easy and so natural. I would feel hopeful when starting a new fertility medicine, but then I would feel such doom during the "two week wait." I even felt doom during the two week wait leading up to those two pretty pink lines.
I wish I could relive the morning I found out I was pregnant over and over again. It was a feeling of accomplishment, joy, relief, fear, disbelief, and complete and utter happiness all wrapped into one moment. When I sit and think about it and try to remember how I felt, I can almost feel those same feelings happening all at once again. It was the single most satisfying moment of my life. I couldn't believe that I was pregnant... ME, pregnant. I wish I could put feelings into words, and while I don't want to discount any pregnancy, I feel that women who have dealt with infertility feel a greater joy when they finally see those two pink lines. It was truly surreal.
Why am I writing this post? I don't know. I read a few blogs of girls who are still battling infertility. I have this fear that there are girls reading my blog, thinking that I feel different now, or that I think I am not infertile anymore. But that simply isn't true. To this day I get ridiculously jealous when someone else announces they are pregnant. I am envious, and instead of thinking thoughts of happiness for them, I think "they don't know how lucky they are, to have gotten pregnant right away, with such ease. They don't deserve it." It's a terrible thing.
My heart breaks for every girl who has gone through or is going through infertility. Being pregnant is truly an amazing gift, but those same feelings of despair I felt are still here. My advice to you girls: get through this time as best you can. Ignore the people who say to be happy or be thankful about the things you have (because we already are thankful) and just allow yourself to grieve and to be upset. I found it to be more stressful to put on a front than it was to just let loose and cry. The fact is, we are infertile, there is nothing anyone can do to make us feel better (unless they want to dish out thousands of $$ for IVF, haha)... and we won't be happy until we see our baby's face for the first time. All I can say is stay strong!
That is the end of my rant.
No comments:
Post a Comment