Bad news, but not giving up hope

The results came in for Jimmy's semen analysis that he had done last week. I got a call this morning from a nurse at my doctor's office. I knew getting a call was a bad sign straight away. I must give her credit for sounding perky, though. She ALMOST had me fooled! Here is what a semen analysis SHOULD be:

volume of ejaculate 2.0 ml or more
pH 7.2-8.0
sperm concentration 20 million per ml spermatozoa or more
total sperm count 40 million per ml spermatozoa per ejaculate or more
motility 50% or more with forward progression
morphology 30% or more with normal forms
vitality 75% or more live,i.e.,excluding dye
white blood cells fewer than 1 million per ml

The nurse didn't give me all of the values, she just stated that it was "abnormal" because his morphology was at 1%. If you notice above, it should be at 30%... so that is quite a drastic difference. My doctor wants to have Jimmy repeat the test in 4 weeks (6 weeks from when he had it done the first time). They said it's on a "sample to sample basis" so it could have been a bad sample, but I can't imagine there being THAT big of a difference from sample to sample, you know? He was sick with a fever right before giving the sample, but I can't imagine that making a difference.

Anyway, I am not giving up hope. We will continue trying (although I am DONE taking Clomid... what's the point? I am just going to take the Metformin and let my body sort itself out) and if I don't get pregnant by the time I graduate and get an RN job, then we will look into IVF. I just can't imagine spending $10,000+ to get pregnant, but if that is our only option then so be it. I would much rather use that money toward our child's future, but this is the hand we have been dealt.

I have to remain thankful for everything else in my life, though. I see so many terrible situations when I go to clinical... teenage girls with spina bifida that are mentally normal but their body is deformed in some way. I am very thankful that I am "normal" in all other ways aside from this infertility stuff. I am healthy, have a great husband, great family, great friends, own a house, almost done with school and will soon have my dream job. As bad as it hurts to be dealing with these infertility issues, so many people have it worse, so I have to put things in perspective.

Oh, and did I mention that my sister Heather just announced she is 10-weeks pregnant with her second child? I thought I was going to have an emotional breakdown when I found out earlier this week. I am happy for her, but it was just a kick in the stomach! One of those moments where I feel like everyone is normal but me. Perspective, Rachel, perspective.

Have a good weekend!

A down sort of day

Today was supposed to be a relaxing day off with my husband, but instead I had to go to the hospital to do some stuff for clinical tomorrow. I am "team leader" tomorrow so I had to pick up assignments. I was there for 3 hours... got there at 9:30 left at 12:30... then I had lunch with 3 friends (the highlight of my day) and then went home and called my team members to give them their assignments. After that I had to do a ton of research for the patients I assigned to my team. I literally JUST finished everything and it's 9:30. So for the past 12 hours I have been doing schoolwork nonstop.

To top that off, I have been feeling really down about not being able to get pregnant. I am just in disbelief that this is happening to us. I think the past few months I have been in some sort of denial, thinking I will get pregnant despite what the doctor has said... but realization and fear is setting in. What if we aren't ever able to get pregnant? I have faith in God, and I whole-heartily believe that he has a plan for us, and he knows better than we do, but I just can't shake this sadness. I have been on fertility medicine the past 3 months that has yet to work. I do NOT want to have to resort to invitro fertilization. It costs well over $10,000 which we wouldn't be ale to afford for AT LEAST another year... and I just don't want to wait that long. That means I won't have a baby to hold in my arms for at least 2 years, if we resort to IVF in a year. I can't imagine being 27 without a baby. I can hardly imagine being 25 without a baby, which is now inevitable. I always wanted to be a younger mother, and I have always wanted 3 kids. I won't have much time (or money) for 3 kids at the rate we are going.

Sorry for the rant, but whoever reads this blog, please pray for us. Pray that we get pregnant soon, and pray that if I am never able to get pregnant that I can find peace with that and not drive myself (and my poor husband) crazy for the rest of my (our) life.

On a happier note, I got a 96 on my first Pediatric Nursing exam. I was excited. Sadly, that is the only happy news I have to share today.