Today was supposed to be a relaxing day off with my husband, but instead I had to go to the hospital to do some stuff for clinical tomorrow. I am "team leader" tomorrow so I had to pick up assignments. I was there for 3 hours... got there at 9:30 left at 12:30... then I had lunch with 3 friends (the highlight of my day) and then went home and called my team members to give them their assignments. After that I had to do a ton of research for the patients I assigned to my team. I literally JUST finished everything and it's 9:30. So for the past 12 hours I have been doing schoolwork nonstop.
To top that off, I have been feeling really down about not being able to get pregnant. I am just in disbelief that this is happening to us. I think the past few months I have been in some sort of denial, thinking I will get pregnant despite what the doctor has said... but realization and fear is setting in. What if we aren't ever able to get pregnant? I have faith in God, and I whole-heartily believe that he has a plan for us, and he knows better than we do, but I just can't shake this sadness. I have been on fertility medicine the past 3 months that has yet to work. I do NOT want to have to resort to invitro fertilization. It costs well over $10,000 which we wouldn't be ale to afford for AT LEAST another year... and I just don't want to wait that long. That means I won't have a baby to hold in my arms for at least 2 years, if we resort to IVF in a year. I can't imagine being 27 without a baby. I can hardly imagine being 25 without a baby, which is now inevitable. I always wanted to be a younger mother, and I have always wanted 3 kids. I won't have much time (or money) for 3 kids at the rate we are going.
Sorry for the rant, but whoever reads this blog, please pray for us. Pray that we get pregnant soon, and pray that if I am never able to get pregnant that I can find peace with that and not drive myself (and my poor husband) crazy for the rest of my (our) life.
On a happier note, I got a 96 on my first Pediatric Nursing exam. I was excited. Sadly, that is the only happy news I have to share today.
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